’m not going to beat around the bush. Here’s the deal, plain and simple: “Unstoppable” is garbage. It’s one of those moronic movies where what you see is what you get i.e. if you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve seen it all. It’s typical Tony Scott–loud, overwrought, cliché-ridden, frantically shot, jarringly cut and wildly over-the-top. Instead of a strong, fun story with engaging characters, what we’re stuck with is a predictable pot-boiler loaded with idiotic two-dimensional characters who keep coming up with one face palm-inducing solution after the next until only Denzel Washington can save the day. “Unstoppable” is not the worst movie I’ve seen this year, but it definitely ranks as one of the dumbest.

Frank Barnes (Denzel Washington) is a veteran train engineer approaching the end of his tenure in the industry. Since he’s the grizzled veteran character, he’s also a widower. Luckily he has two incredibly attractive daughters working at Hooters to keep him company. On the day we meet him, Frank is charged with training Will Colson (Chris Pine), a rugged newbie train conductor who’s also going through some family drama of his own. Since Frank’s a grumpy old know-it-all and Will’s a cocky upstart, it’s not long before sparks fly. Things only get worse as the day progresses until they’re handed the ultimate male-bonding exercise! Stop a runaway train carrying a ton of toxic fuels from barging into the city and in turn prevent millions of dollars in damage! Yea, shit just got real!

Now you’re asking, “How the hell did the train become a runaway in the first place?” Stupidity, that’s how, thanks to a colossal foul up by an imbecile (Ethan Suplee) named Dewey (why of course!) who tries to be clever. This is a guy that’s not even qualified to pick up dog crap off the streets, let alone, run a train, so naturally he ends up eating the pavement and watching in horror as his toxic chemical-carrying missile heads into town without him. Now, I don’t know much about the train industry, but I doubt they’re going to be happy with the way they’re portrayed here.

Elsewhere, yard master Connie Hooper (Rosario Dawson) realizes the gravity of the situation and immediately contacts her corporate supervisor (Kevin Dunn) who, like all slimy executives in action movies, plays dumb, avoids her advice and keeps the ‘idiotic decision train” rolling. As the machine starts to gather traction and after countless cars and equipment have already been blown up, it becomes clear that there’s only one hope to avert this disaster and his name is… wait for it… Denzel “paycheck” Washington!

“Unstoppable” is the fifth collaboration between Washington and Scott after the terrific “Crimson Tide,” the above average “Man on Fire” and the woefully mediocre “Déjà vu” and “The Taking of Pelham 123.” “Unstoppable” is also the duo’s second train movie in a row after “Pelham 123” and in many ways, it’s the same film, sans crazy John Travolta. If you remember anything from that utter disappointment, then you may find something worth watching in “Unstoppable” but my guess is that you’re still scratching your head wondering, “123 what?”

If “Pelham 123” is a blur to you, then you’re better off avoiding “Unstoppable” at all costs because what it boils down to is an hour of inane attempts to stop a train (“Let’s airlift a guy and drop him on the train!,” “How about we derail it?,” “Hmm, how about we crash another train into it?,” “Don’t listen to Denzel, he’s dumb and old!”) and a crap-load of faux tension (Oh no, children on the track!; Oh no, horses on the track!, Oh damn, a police car randomly exploded!; Oh no, girls in Hooters shorts! Wait what?). I’m not kidding about that last part. This is Tony Scott after-all.  Everything has to be over sensationalized, over-edited and injected with a sense of urgency, even if it’s a shot of Hooters girls serving fries. And if that wasn’t enough, Scott also finds it necessary to give the movie a running commentary provided by a group of Fox News TV anchors who detail every nook and cranny on screen. Its Tony’s method of telling us: “No, you’re eyes aren’t deceiving you… You really are watching this junk!” And that’s just the first hour before Denzel decides to come in and save the day.

Speaking of Denzel, what happened to him? This is a man who gave us iconic performances in “Malcolm X,” “Training Day,” “Glory,” “Cry Freedom,” “Philadelphia” and “The Hurricane,” to name a few. Where has that great actor gone and who is this new paycheck guy? Even when he stars in good films (“American Gangster,” “Inside Man”), the adventurous Denzel who delivered blistering performances in those aforementioned movies is nowhere to be found. In “Unstoppable,” he continues that trend with a performance I can only describe as texted-in since even ‘phoning it in” is over-selling it.

Assisting Washington with his texting prowess is Chris Pine who shot to fame as Captain Kirk in J.J. Abrams “Star Trek” reboot. While “Unstoppable” doesn’t do him any favors, it’s not going to crush his trajectory either – he’s still on track to becoming a big star. On the other hand, Rosario Dawson is wasted in a role that amounts to her pointing at maps, arguing with sexist men and looking concerned.

BOTTOM LINE: “Unstoppable” is one of those dumb action movies that you walk in expecting a silly action thriller and walk out, feeling like a moron for wasting your time on. It’s what you get when you mash in “Speed” and “Runaway Train” but take out all the drama, excitement and fun. Tony Scott is a filmmaker who has long given-up on making quality films and this picture is another brush with death. Ditto Denzel Washington who once again cashes in a massive paycheck in exchange for a texted-in performance. I wouldn’t say it’s a train-wreck but it comes pretty close.

GRADE: D

PS. For being a movie “based on true events,” “Unstoppable” remarkably feels and sounds like Big Hollywood nonsense.

UNSTOPPABLE

Directed by: Tony Scott

Written by: Mark Bomback

Starring: Denzel Washington, Chris Pine, Rosario Dawson, Kevin Dunn

Rated: PG-13 (for sequences of action and peril, and some language)