You know the term, “This is not your father’s action movie!”? Well, that doesn’t apply here because “The Expendables” is DEFINITELY your father’s action movie! It’s a big, loud and testosterone-laden throwback to the bad action movies of the 1980s and 1990s when action heroes were wise-cracking meatheads who enjoyed drinking, womanizing and mowing down foreign baddies in a hailstorm of bullets and explosions. It’s homage to an era where action movies were plagued with cheesy dialogues, cartoonish characters and ridiculous evil dictator plots. “The Expendables” is so much of a throwback that it actually ends up being quite bad itself. Whether that was intentional or not (unlikely), the fact remains that “The Expendables” is a lot of fun and it delivers on the one front where it matters – the action.

Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) is the leader of a group of mercenaries who call themselves “the Expendables” simply because they’re a bunch of guys with nothing to lose. His team is a collection of some of the toughest and most badass guys in the business (many who sport some of the most ridiculous names in the business!). There’s Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), a womanizing Brit who’s an ace with anything with a blade; Ying Yang (Jet Li) is a Chinese martial arts expert who keeps bitching about not being paid enough because of his height disadvantage (!); Hale Ceaser (Terry Crews) is a master of weapons – especially with cannon guns explosive enough to turn people into bloody pulps; Toll Road (Randy Couture) is the one with… hmm, the cauliflower ears? Well, let’s just say he’s the one who you’d want to have on your side in a fight with "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. There’s also Gunner (Dolph Lundgren), the team’s specialist sniper and resident drug addict who is fired from the team after he goes insane during the film’s opening sequence atop a cargo tanker overtaken by Somali pirates.

The paper-thin plot gets under way when Tool (the always dependable Mickey Rourke), the group’s handler and tattoo artist, sets up a meeting with the mysterious Mr. Church (Bruce Willis). Church offers Barney a mission – a job that he describes as “to hell and back.” Travel to Vilena, a tiny Latin American island nation and overthrow an evil dictator General Gaza (David Zayas) who is terrorizing the land (yawn!) with the help of a rogue CIA agent James Monroe (Eric Roberts) and his gigantic meathead Paine (Steve Austin). After a reconnaissance trip to the island devolves into a pornography of destruction, Barney decides to not go through with the mission. But the courage of Sandra (Giselle Itié), a beautiful rebel whom he met while on the island, convinces him to change his mind and lead his team to return to Vilena to unleash hell on those poor commies.

“The Expendables” is the third and last of the mercenary action movies of the year, after April’s bomb “The Losers” and June’s over-the-top “The A-Team.” While the plots and even the acting in those two movies are far more complex and superior to “The Expendables,” it’s the screen-presence of these action heroes and the pure R-rated carnage on display here that puts this steroid-fest on an even playing field.

Unlike “The A-Team” which relied far too much on preposterous CGI-laden stunts and action sequences, most of the work here feels grounded in reality (even if Stallone and company still have no trouble dodging bullets). A sequence where Statham and Stallone destroy a pier laden with armed guards and henchman is one for the books. As is the opening sequence on a pirate ship and a fun car chase sequence.

But it’s the epic finale where Stallone throws everything but the kitchen sink at us. This finale is the definition of maximum carnage. There are more explosions and gory acts of violence and brutality on display here than in every other mainstream movie of 2010 combined. You want your knife fights? You got it. Blazing machine gun battles? Yup. Martial arts? Check. Explosions? Check times infinity. Manly one-on-one fights? Are you kidding me? We get Jet Li vs. Dolph Lundgren, Stallone vs. Steve Austin, Couture vs. Austin, Statham and Li double teaming some unlucky sap, and best of all: Crews mowing down and entire army to flesh and bone (literally)! If this doesn’t get your adrenaline pumping, then I don’t think any movie this year will. The audience I watched the movie with were screaming and cheering as if they were at some seedy wrestling event.

Of course, apart from the action, there’s nothing remotely interesting here. In fact, it’s actually all garbage. The plot is drenched in cliché and B-grade action movie staples. Stallone, who also co-wrote and directed the film, is at best, a serviceable director. While the action is a lot of fun, a lot of the close-up action sequences, namely the one-on-one fights, are so badly edited that they become incomprehensible. At one point, I couldn’t figure out who’s fighting whom which was a bit of a letdown.

Stallone’s script, which he co-wrote with Dave Callaham, isn’t anything special either. The dialogues are cheesy and at times, snicker-worthy bad, especially in a silly and unnecessary romance subplot with Jason Statham and Charisma Carpenter. Since most of the film is devoted to Stallone and Statham oogling each other, many of the stars, especially Jet Li, Terry Crews and Randy Couture, get severely shafted in the character development department. Then again, I’m not sure whether I’d want to see any of these guys talking about their feelings in the first place. Additionally, the script’s attempts at humor are just pathetic. I mean, couldn’t they come up with a better running joke than Li’s height? This being the “manly action movie,” every female character exists solely as a sex object waiting to be rescued.

Acting wise, Statham is easily the best in show. Rourke steals every scene he’s in, most notably in a powerful, emotional sequence where he breaks down about having lost his soul. Unfortunately, there aren’t too many moments like this in the movie that’s more in love with the action than its characters. Roberts, who’s having a minor career resurgence of late, is suitable as the slimy bad guy but he’s seen slimier days. Lundgren isn’t too bad either as the drug-addicted thug who feels betrayed by Barney after being fired from the team. Li, Crews and Couture are all there for the action while Steve Austin is just plain terrible in “Stone Cold” mode. As for Stallone, he’s Stallone.

But what about Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis? Well, they’re in the film for just one scene that lasts for a paltry two minutes. But like the rest of the movie, it’s fun and good for a few laughs.

VERDICT: “The Expendables” is not a great movie. Hell, it’s not even a good one. But it’s a damn good time. If you go in expecting a character-driven thinking man’s action movie, you’re going to walk out absolutely disappointed. But if a mindless balls-to-the-wall throwback to violent action movies of the 80s and 90s is your type of movie, then you’re going to love every cheesy and explosive moment of it.

GRADE: B (for the part of me that loves watching stuff getting blown-up real good!)

GRADE: C (for the part of me that loves a good plot & character-driven action movie)

THE EXPENDABLES
Directed by: Sylvester Stallone
Written by: Sylvester Stallone and Dave Callaham
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke
Rated: R (for strong action and bloody violence throughout, and for some language)